My depression is getting worse

First off, I apologize if you find any typos here. I was really upset a couple of hours ago and I feel I can't think clearly right now.

I've had depression for a very long time, but I feel like the symptoms are getting worse. I'm smoking more than usual and my sleep is not as good as it used to be. I wake up every morning feeling exhausted and drained...

Literally, I've been feeling like crap these days. As you already know, I go to this university and I'm studying a profitable career (because my [i]beloved daddy[/i] forced me to. I tried to tell him that I didn't like accountings, but he told me to eat s%$/ and do what he said because it was the best for everyone -- especially me). In 2010, I even left my studies to get a job and do something that I could enjoy, but it didn't work, because I couldn't find a good job (I don't remember if I already talked about this before, but it's OK).

I'm almost done with my career, but this has caused me a lot of stress. There's something that I have not mentioned here yet, but I'll do it:

I'm obssesed with my weight and image and, well, I think I might have an eating disorder. I try not to eat a lot and I get really angry when someone mentions something about that. Why am I telling you this??? because I don't know you in real life and you don't know my family and there's no way for you to tell them this. However, if you did, they wouldn't do anything to help me. They'll forget about it...

Lately, I've had some ideas related to death. I'm not going to kill myself, because I'm not brave enough to do so, but despite I haven't tried to (literally) commit suicide, I've thought about it...plenty of times...but these ideas are more frequent now.

I'm not expecting any word from you, guys. I simply wanted to get these things out of my chest, because...well, they're burdening me.

I simply wish someone could just kill me and end it all, because I don't have the fucking strenght to do so. I'm a coward...

Thanks

I'm so sorry to hear that all of this has happened to you Crystal. It's really unfair when people hold high expectations for you that you have a hard time reaching. It can put such an unbearable amount of pressure on a person. In my experience, you won't be able to change your parents behavior unless they choose change themselves, but from what you've written, I'd assume you've already tried speaking with them about how you feel.

As for your weight and image problem, try surrounding yourself with good friends that will say good things about you. You really don't notice it at first, but once you start hanging around with good, confident friends that have strong morals, you'll notice a difference in your thoughts. I used to be really worried about how I looked myself. Once I met my boyfriend though, things really changed. He's a wonderful guy that showers me with compliments every day, and, despite the fact that I'm still a little self-consious about my appearance, my confidence has improved a great deal.

Dealing with depression is one of the hardest struggles there is. I know because I'm right there with you. I've only joined the site recently, so I'm only going off of what's written here, but just try taking 5 minutes a day to go over all the positive things (no negative ones!) in your life and focus on them. See if that helps you to improve your emotional state any. I hope this helps, and if not, shoot me a PM. After all, ears are meant for listening, and sometimes a good long talk can help relieve some of the stress. 🙂

It does sound like your depression is worsening. Have you seen your psychiatrist lately? It would be better to discuss these issues with your psychiatrist since they are trained to deal with these kinds of issues.

In the meantime, you can change your lifestyle a bit and see if that helps. I'm talking about things like:

Exercising, even if it's just a walk
Meditating
Making sure you don't rely on junk food to cheer you up. Many people like to consume very sweet or very fatty food, which gives them a spike in happiness followed by a big plumet. It often leaves you feeling worse than you were before you ate the food. I'm not saying don't eat them, but don't self-medicate with them. It's a recipe for disaster.
Going out with friends

I understand you just wanted to get it off your chest and that's very good. In fact, you should always get things off your chest, whether it's talking to a close friend, your psychiatrist, or even on this forum. It's important that you not bottle up your emotions.

[quote='LittleFox' pid='317' dateline='1367628441']
I'm so sorry to hear that all of this has happened to you Crystal. It's really unfair when people hold high expectations for you that you have a hard time reaching. It can put such an unbearable amount of pressure on a person. In my experience, you won't be able to change your parents behavior unless they choose change themselves, but from what you've written, I'd assume you've already tried speaking with them about how you feel.

As for your weight and image problem, try surrounding yourself with good friends that will say good things about you. You really don't notice it at first, but once you start hanging around with good, confident friends that have strong morals, you'll notice a difference in your thoughts. I used to be really worried about how I looked myself. Once I met my boyfriend though, things really changed. He's a wonderful guy that showers me with compliments every day, and, despite the fact that I'm still a little self-consious about my appearance, my confidence has improved a great deal.

Dealing with depression is one of the hardest struggles there is. I know because I'm right there with you. I've only joined the site recently, so I'm only going off of what's written here, but just try taking 5 minutes a day to go over all the positive things (no negative ones!) in your life and focus on them. See if that helps you to improve your emotional state any. I hope this helps, and if not, shoot me a PM. After all, ears are meant for listening, and sometimes a good long talk can help relieve some of the stress. 🙂
[/quote]

Thank you so much for your advise, LittleFox. I sincerely appreciate it. You seem to be a very nice girl 🙂

Exactly. I've already tried that and it has not been possible for me to change that (this is more about my father. My mother's different and much better). That is true: you can't change others, unless they're willing to change themselves.

Well, regarding the image stuff: it's really hard to find good people to hang out with over here. They just think of getting drunk every friday and waiting for you to do all their job, which is why I prefer to be alone. I'll just have to start thinking differently and more optimistically, like you said. 🙂

I'm happy to hear that you have a nice BF and good friends that you can trust. You absolutely deserve them 🙂 Thank you for being willing to listen to me. Remember that you can always do the same, always!!! 🙂
[hr]
[quote='Emotion' pid='318' dateline='1367995651']
It does sound like your depression is worsening. Have you seen your psychiatrist lately? It would be better to discuss these issues with your psychiatrist since they are trained to deal with these kinds of issues.

In the meantime, you can change your lifestyle a bit and see if that helps. I'm talking about things like:

Exercising, even if it's just a walk
Meditating
Making sure you don't rely on junk food to cheer you up. Many people like to consume very sweet or very fatty food, which gives them a spike in happiness followed by a big plumet. It often leaves you feeling worse than you were before you ate the food. I'm not saying don't eat them, but don't self-medicate with them. It's a recipe for disaster.
Going out with friends

I understand you just wanted to get it off your chest and that's very good. In fact, you should always get things off your chest, whether it's talking to a close friend, your psychiatrist, or even on this forum. It's important that you not bottle up your emotions.
[/quote]

Thank you for the advice, Emotion. 🙂

Well, if I have another episode like this one, I'll probably go again. You're totally right when you say that getting things out of my chest will help me more than any other thing. I've noticed that and I've been doing it lately.

The only thing that I don't do is meditating. I already have a very healthy lifestyle (except for the smoking thing). It proves that no matter what you do, if you don't have enough willpower to change your situation, you'll always be miserable.

My depression that ended about 10 years ago was a growing sense of futility about the future. I dreamed of having lots of money and a perfect relationship, but in practice it took all the energy I had just to stay still and I felt myself slowly running out of motivation. It was increasingly apparent to me that my approach to life was not working well. The bright possibilities I hoped to achieve one day slowly dimmed I was unable to achieve them in practice and became increasingly frustrated at my inability to attain the life I wish I had.

I repeatedly attempted to find new and better ways to achieve my dreams and sometimes had temporary success but in time I would always find myself in the same familiar place of struggling and getting nowhere. A permanent sense of relief occurred when I finally accepted that I am unable to achieve the life I thought I needed in order to be happy. The moment I gave up I accepted where I was, not in a spiritual sense so much as a recognition that exactly where I am now is all I have left. As I allowed myself to be here, I saw that this moment was far more then a chance to get somewhere else. There was something alive about it, something alive about how I feel and what I think and what everything around me means to me. All of it was alive and moving. With this recognition the illusion of being stuck vanished. Life is and always has been living itself fully and dynamically in many ways at all moments, but it can appear to be blocked when it is seen as a means to get somewhere else.

I guess acceptance might be a possible solution for these things. Nevertheless, I'm glad to know you were able to stop your depression (because not a lot of people achieve it). It requires a lot of effort and willpower 🙂

In my experience it seemed to take a lot more effort and willpower to manage while being depressed, and no amount of effort or willpower seemed to have any lasting result. The effect of depression was a greatly reduced sense of available energy for anything. I equate emotions with the mail and they always have a message. Sometimes I go far out of my way to avoid the message because I don't want to hear it. For me the idea that superficial things cannot make me happy was a message I didn't want to hear, but when I finally got the message I saw that there is a far more meaningful and purposeful way of engaging with life. I had to give up on the hope that someday my superficial dreams will come true. Holding onto superficial dreams was depressing. Letting go of what can't work anyway led to a new sense of lightness that I did not know was possible.

Log in to reply